Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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