the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
