i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Randomize
