I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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