Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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