How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
