i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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