I hate all girls vehemently.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
