just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
