I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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