There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
