Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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