if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
