but the lizard people decide everything anyway
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
