fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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