Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
