so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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