I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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