you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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