24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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