Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
