I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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