1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I cannot find my penis.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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