wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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