You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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