I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
