I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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