The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
