i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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