when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
