pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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