I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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