he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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