if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
