Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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