i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
