'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
