Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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