Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
