I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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