I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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