There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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