allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she smelled like a LAN party
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Randomize
