mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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