Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize