He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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