no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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