Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
