Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Vodka?
Forever.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
