My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
