The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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