You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
