TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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