Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
