And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
