Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize