I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
