Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize