I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
