I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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