what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize