so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
