DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
We got so high we made milksteak
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
