1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
two words: eviction party
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
