He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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