life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
