This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
