you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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