omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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