just tell him i said nine months
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
