i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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