i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
