i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
