i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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