so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
