Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize