he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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