Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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